Should've, Would've, Could've.....

Whenever a person utters these words: should’ve, would’ve and/or could’ve, whether it be in a personal or professional (mindset coaching) context, my ears perk up. Whether it’s the NYC version: shoulda, woulda, coulda or the more grammatically correct version: should’ve, would’ve, could’ve, it stops me in my tracks (mentally, that is).

The fact is when a person uses these words, particularly ‘should’ve’ (should have), there is a sense of obligation that comes through, rather than a sense of having a ‘choice’ or ‘desire.’

Your subconscious mind is the ‘storage place’ for the beliefs and thought patterns you most likely, picked up from the age of 0-7 years. This information is what your parents, guardians, culture, religious institutions and the society you lived within, told and taught you. In other words, their ‘rules’ for life and/or a life well-lived, as they knew it or had been conditioned with.

As we age and develop into adults, many of us do not realize that accepting these rules (or not) is a CHOICE. It may not feel like one, though. It can feel like part of who you are and you may believe that it’s just the way it is. This is not necessarily true. For those of you who may like and/or agree with these rules or ways, all is well. But for many, whose purpose, passions and priorities do not jibe with these deeply conditioned ways and rules, which are often buried in our subconscious, we can feel different, left out or even, that something is wrong with us. You may even be asking yourself, “Why don’t or can’t I fit in?”

There is nothing wrong with you! You’re just a circle trying to fit into a square box of your particular society’s standards of the moment. Many years ago, a woman I went to see for help (in another country), told me just this; that I’m a circle trying to fit into the square box that my family, institutions and culture told me (and that I absorbed subconsciously) I should fit into. I never did. With a smile, she let me know that I never would and that this is a good thing. Creatives, healers, leaders, successful business people do not often fit into the box. Whew; what relief. Just imagine; no more need for should’ve, would’ve, could’ves. I could just be the ‘true’ me-----the circle.

“I am not a typical human being. I am me and don’t try to be anything but that because God didn’t give us all different fingerprints if He wanted us all to be the same.”         -Tammy Wooster

Truth be told, it took me several years before I really ‘heard’ her and was able to take action. She was right, of course. I tried so hard to fit in; in my personal and professional lives and never did. It left me with lots of inner conflict, frustration, anxiety and deep sadness. Although we may know this, intellectually, it can still take much time, intentional choice and effort to be able to: become AWARE of it, ACKNOWLEDGE it, ACCEPT it as a new and welcome part of the true you, then, ABSORB it and live it fully.

“A lot of the conflict you have in your life exists simply because you’re not living in alignment; you’re not being true to yourself.”          -Steve Maraboli

So, when you hear yourself say, out loud or to yourself, “I should have,” or are feeling conflicted and/or confused; stop, take a breath or two or three, and ask yourself (as an observer of your own thoughts), if the ‘should have’ you’re thinking of is feeling like an obligation or a choice-----your choice?

If it feels like an obligation, then it’s probably someone else’s voice; your family’s, teachers’, culture’s, etc. In this case, your body’s sensations may be those of tightness, limitation, stress. If it is your conscious and intentional choice, then your body feels calm, peaceful, and/or perhaps a light tingling or positive excitement. Now, you are more in alignment with the true you.

It may seem easier to ‘fit in’ and it may be, for some people, and/or in the short term. But if it’s not the real you, you may suffer and doubt yourself and this is certainly not easier, in the long run.

If you are a circle, be a full, fabulous circle; accept that you are, and enjoy it….. Shout it from the rooftops. You can learn from and even appreciate the ‘other’ voices deep inside you (your parent’s, culture’s) and still make the choice to be who you are in your core…..the circle in the square. This choice gives you the gifts of joy, peace, your own voice and freedom. You must learn to listen to your own ‘inner voice’ and make your own choice. Only you can do this.

The well-known American writer of children’s books, cartoonist and songwriter, Shel Silverstein, wrote: “The Voice

There is a voice inside of you

That whispers all day long,

“I feel this is right for me,

I know that this is wrong.”

No teacher, preacher, parent, friend

Or wise man can decide

What’s right for you-----just listen to

The voice that speaks inside.”