Though the concept, feeling and behaviors of self-love have been around for as long as we humans (homosapiens) have, it is only in the last few decades that we’ve been talking about it, as a society.

You may feel that loving yourself first (self-love) is selfish but it’s not; it is self-ish, though. I’ll explain…………..

 

What is SELF-LOVE? That is the question:

Here are some definitions (Merriam Webster) of self-love: love of self; an appreciation of one’s own worth or virtue; a proper regard for and attention to one’s own happiness or well-being.                           

I like these!

This next one is a definition that I would not currently use to describe self-love, as we use the term today. Here it is: an inflated love of or pride in oneself. This definition and other synonyms like: self-important, conceited, and self-absorbed are clearly not the same as self-esteem and self-satisfaction, which are the end (and fabulous) results of our first three definitions of self-love. Here, the first has a negative connotation and the second, a positive one and yet, they’re all considered explanations of this rather controversial term and concept.

Let’s combine and create our own mix and say that self-love is an appreciation of one’s own worth and a proper regard and attention to one’s own happiness and well-being. We can consider this almost an antonym for self-hatred and self-loathing. This is how we tend to talk about self-love today, not as narcissistic self-importance, but more in opposition to self-loathing. I’ll take love over loathing any day…….

 

As the Swiss-born British philosopher and author, Alain de Botton says, “To one’s enemies: I hate myself more than you ever could.”

Does this quote resonate with you? It certainly does with me. I’ve always been so hard on myself. This is a hint that you have to switch over from self-loathing to real, deep and lasting self-love (not the woo-woo type).

 

The way we use the term, self-love, in the psychology and coaching jargon of today, is not synonymous with being selfish.

I promise you, this is not an English vocabulary lesson but the way we use words, to ourselves and to others, is indicative of how we see ourselves and others and so, is pretty important.

This is the last definition for today….really. The meaning of selfish is: (of a person, action or motive) lacking consideration for others; concerned chiefly with one’s own personal profit or pleasure.

The self-love we were talking about above does not preclude having consideration for and/or loving others. In fact, if you don’t possess true self-love, it is a lot harder to consider others. You will tend to be more focused (or obsessed) on yourself, whether your beliefs and thoughts about yourself are negative or positive.

What self-love really is, is self-ish.

 

Tomatoe, Tomato;  Potatoe, Potato:

“Loving yourself is not vanity; it’s sanity.”                                         -Andre Gide

 

Many of us were raised with the notion that if/when we wanted something, say, a new bike or an expensive, yummy dessert, and our parents didn’t have lots of money, we were being ‘selfish.’ In other words, only thinking of ourselves. So, we learned to renounce our desires and needs and, inevitably (and often subconsciously), learned to relate self-nurturing, self-care or assertive behavior to being greedy and selfish. For those of us who experienced this, it may be challenging to distinguish between these ‘almost’ identical words: selfish and self-ish. But they are totally different. The little hyphen distinguishes one idea or concept from the other-------entirely.

Among the meanings of ‘-ish’ (okay; so one more definition) are: belonging to, or concerned with.

 

YOU are the center of your universe. You are the only one up for this job. So, if your primary focus is you (which it actually is for all of us), being self-ish does not typically imply selfishness.

The truth is that directing your time and energy on advancing yourself makes perfect sense. In this way, you can:

1)strive to reach your own full potential,

2)take responsibility for yourself: your thoughts, feelings, needs, desires, behaviors and actions (in other words----your life and destiny), and

3)as a result, eventually be ful-filled or fill yourself up fully; to your fullest. Only when you fill yourself up positively, can you be there positively and fully for others.

It’s like when you’re flying and the flight attendant starts explaining that if the cabin of the plane becomes depressurized, the oxygen masks will fall from the panel above your seats. For those who have traveled by jet; what’s the next thing he/she says? Correct answer: put the oxygen mask on yourself first, then after, on your child or other person accompanying you.

Why is this? You must fill yourself with ‘air’ or oxygen first before you can help another. This is an appropriate metaphor for the need to be self-ish.

 

Let’s clarify.

Self-love and fulfillment can take a lifetime, or more, to attain. It’s a path and a journey. Feeling fulfilled has to do with feeling or providing happiness and satisfaction and feeling that your abilities and talents are being fully used. You don’t have to be fully fulfilled. Very few of us are. You just have to be filled up or fulfilled enough to utilize your unique and innate talents, strengths and abilities, to be who you are and become who you were born to be.

We’re not talking about going to Nepal or India and sitting on a mountaintop or in an ashram, though these can be helpful and lovely experiences. It’s about looking inward, at the inner and authentic you; doing often much-needed introspection, which is the observation or examination of your own mental and emotional processes.

 

SELF-AWARENESS, SELF-ACCEPTANCE and SELF-LOVE:

For those of us (most of us) who have experienced some kind of trauma, introspection can be a difficult, foreign and scary process. Personally, it took me several decades to allow myself to slow down enough from my ‘busy-holic’ ways (a sign of trauma), to find the time and master the courage to look inside. Thank goodness for my weekly therapy sessions, which gave me, at least, one hour/week to HAVE to introspect…….there was no choice.

With trauma, the fear of looking inside and at our past, can be so overwhelming, that we’ll do almost anything to avoid it. This is, for the most part, not conscious; most of it occurs at a deeper, subconscious level. It can be so very hard and painful to face our fears and experiences. This may be a long, lonely and rough road. Even so, this often-bumpy ride is well worth it; it gets you to self-awareness, self-acceptance and then, to self-love.

Once you start introspection, you’re able to reach inside and take hold of the true, authentic you, the unique flower of beauty that you are. To do this work, professional help and support is often necessary, for a deeper, less frightening and more effective exploration into you.

 

The Mind’s Focus:

As mentioned previously, many mistakenly define being self-ish as being and acting selfish. If you don’t become aware and take care of matters pertaining to yourself, for example, your health (physical, mental, emotional and spiritual), then you tend to become selfish, even if only for self-protection.

The primary role of your subconscious mind is to keep you safe. To the mind and brain, safe means familiar. So, if in your past, familiar meant chaos and screaming, then this is your ‘safe’ space. It may not make ‘logical’ sense but this is the way your mind works. It equates your safety with your familiar.

Until you learn to start ful-filling your own mind, heart, body and spirit, and learn how to be self-ish, that is you as your primary focus and concern, it will be hard to not be selfish and be there for others in the most positive and best possible ways. First comes:

1)self-awareness (with introspection), then comes:

2)self-acceptance. You must accept YOU----flaws and all, faults and all; what you deem to be good/bad, pretty/ugly, successes/failures, being great/not being enough. This self-acceptance requires lots of compassion, mostly for yourself. And after this,

3)self-love starts rising up, like a phoenix from the ashes.

 

SEMANTICS:

These distinctions may seem solely semantic but they are also very different conceptually.

To live well and optimally, in your personal and professional lives, you must know yourself. Doing this takes introspection and the connecting of your conscious awareness and your subconscious beliefs and thought patterns. These thought patterns may have to be altered if they do not align with WHO you really are, WHY you’re here and WHAT you’re meant to do. Then, you’re ready to take action, alone or with help, to transform your negative and unhelpful thoughts into more positive ones, those that serve you and match with your unique and wonderful self (self-ish) so that you become more and more fulfilled in your life.

 

SELF-LOVE:

Self-love then, is a vital part of your learning, growth and living your best life-----essentially, what you’re here for.

To repeat (and this is what you have to do to create a new belief or thought pattern), it entails loving all parts of yourself, flaws and all, farts and all (please forgive the saucy, NY language). When you are, finally and lovingly, able to embrace all parts of your humanness (being imperfect, that is), then you are ready for the big treat-------of self-love.

When you stop the self-loathing, even on a part-time basis, you can love yourself, even when you and your circumstances are not perfect. Just remember that you’re human. We are all just human. We are perfectly imperfect beings!

 

SELF-CARE:

Self-care is certainly an important and even, essential part of self-love and it is not synonymous with self-indulgence or being selfish. It means taking care of yourself so that you can be healthy, do your work well and help and care for others plus doing all the things you want and need to accomplish in a day.

Particularly in this time of Covid, there is an uptick in stress, anxiety and depression and we are all wondering how we can better cope with daily stressors. We are home together or by ourselves and are trying to keep up with the ever-increasing pace of life and changes in technology. It’s hard for folks to find the time and space to just let go and unwind. Many are feeling lonelier than usual and this feeling of loneliness can lead to increased anxiety and depression.

 

Self-care has become difficult to define but the term has become more mainstream. I really like the following notion of self-care; it’s applicable to everyone:

“Self-care is anything that you do for yourself that feels nourishing. That can be something that’s relaxing or calming or it can be something that’s intellectual or spiritual or physical or practical or something you need to get done.”

 ---Marni Amsellem, PhD, a licensed psychologist based in CT

 

What is self-care for one person differs from the self-care for another person and your type of self-care may differ from day to day. My personal self-care often includes: massages, eating a good meal, talking with a good friend, being outside in nature. Another person may like to: dance, sing, do carpentry, garden, take a lavender-scented bath.  Mmmmm…..

In the end, any kind of self-care puts a smile on your face and makes you feel cared for, even if it’s you caring for yourself………!

 

SELF-LOVE; Back Again:

While self-care is important for your everyday health and well-being, self-love is vital for your life-long mental, physical, emotional and spiritual health, inner peace, contentment and authentic joy!

It’s time to stop the self-loathing (which many of us have, often unknowingly), forgive yourself and others for mistakes made, and really understand that you are human and therefore, an imperfect being, just like the woman or man next to you.

Again—self-love is not selfish. It is self-ish and oh, so necessary, to reach your full potential, to live your most aligned-with-yourself and greatest life and to become the healthiest, happiest, most successful (your own definition) and most fulfilled self. To be self-ish, you must acquire:

1)self-awareness (introspection),

2)self-acceptance, with lots of self-compassion to go with it, and then,

3)the real and grand prize: self-love.

 

“No other love no matter how genuine it is, can fulfill one’s heart better than unconditional self-love.”                                               -Edmond Mbiaka

 

Amen to this!  

 

 

With smiles and love (and self-love too),

Dr Gigi

 

PS: When you’re ready to really take care of yourself and be self-ish (as opposed to selfish), you can reach me @www.gigiarnaud.com or at the social media links below.