Are Boundaries Important?

 The quick answer is YES!

WHAT is a boundary?

Basically, it’s a real or imagined line that marks the limit of something; of a subject, a principle or point, a relationship….

Your boundaries should be based on your values and your priorities, the things that are most important to you.

It’s a good idea to know and understand your boundaries before you enter a situation, personally or professionally. This makes it less likely that you’ll do something that you’re not comfortable with.

WHY are boundaries important?

BOUNDARIES are essential for healthy relationships and for sound and healthy living. For self-care, healthy boundaries are necessary. And, as humans, we all need self-care and self-love. Without boundaries, we can feel intruded upon, depleted, even taken for granted or taken advantage of.

“Love yourself enough to set boundaries. Your time and energy are precious. You get to choose how you use it. You teach people how to treat you by deciding what you will and won’t accept.”     -------------Anna Taylor

PERSONAL boundaries are limits or guidelines that you create to figure out reasonable, safe and permissive ways that others can behave toward you. It also identifies and determines when someone passes these limits, which help to define your likes and dislikes and to set the appropriate distance (or closeness) you allow others.

Setting personal and professional boundaries has become an important life SKILL that’s been written and spoken about since the 1980’s. Life has certainly changed and with all the high-speed, high amount of content and communication now available to us 24/7, it is vital to our health (and sanity) to be able to create boundaries. We’re also learning how to do this within our families and relationships, and at work. We do have further to go, in terms of our professional lives, especially with Covid, which has helped to blur the lines between living and working, for those working from home. I believe that the field of WORK (or professional) boundaries is going to be a big one in the coming years.

This boundary-setting is an important subject and a challenging one for those of us who were not raised with boundaries; in families that were too intertwined, where you had to be ‘in line’ with the team or family unit, no matter what it cost you……and it often cost you your authentic self. Those of us who had trauma in our families weren’t often taught how to make our own boundaries or that we were supposed to have our own……… (I am one of these folks). For reasons of survival, I learned to let the ‘unhealthy closeness’ and emotional intrusion in….and believed that to be real ‘closeness.’ So, being a parent’s confidante and emotional support was what I considered ‘normal.’ But it’s not healthy………..

The good result is that I am quite empathic and understanding of other’s issues, challenges and troubles.  The hard part is that it’s difficult for me to just have small talk or regular conversations. I’m so used to digging beneath the surface and ‘reading’ people’s signals and energy. As I age, I’m learning who to delve deeper with and who not to……….

Truth be told, my own child has had to create boundaries with me. I was a single mom for most of his life and it was just him and me. So, I copied some of the behaviors and habits my mom had taught me (unhealthy ones). I am glad (though it’s not so easy) that my son is ‘breaking the generational habit’ of entanglement. If/when you’re creating boundaries, particularly with your parents, be sure to understand that the goal is not to change who your parent is (that’s not your job) but to empower yourself to understand who you are and what your limits are….You are responsible for your own learning, healing and growth and your parent is responsible for theirs. When one person changes the dance, the dance changes…………..

CHALLENGES:

Many of us find it challenging to create boundaries with others. This can be due to:

1)trauma, as mentioned above, or

2)people-pleasing, and difficulty with

3)saying NO. As I’m sure you’ve heard, NO is a full sentence, not an easy one to say, for many of us, particularly women, who were often conditioned to be more collaborative or people-pleasing. The truth is that saying NO is easier, in the long run, than the anger and bitterness you may feel later on, when you realize that most people did what they wanted to anyway and behaved the way they wanted to, even if you said yes.

4)if you have unequal power in a personal relationship, including abusive relationships.

So, say NO when you mean NO and say YES when you mean YES……………

Here are some ways to SET boundaries with difficult family members (and friends):

1)Seek out people who value you.

2)Understand that your needs are important.

3)Keep your expectations realistic (ie: Don’t expect others to change)

4)Be firm, but KIND.

5)Be willing to walk away.

6)Be direct (no dropping hints or being passive-aggressive).

7)Know that you’re in charge of what you do (your personal responsibility; your personal power).

8)Take care of yourself (self-care).

9)Learn to be assertive (this is not the same as aggressive). People will respect you more. Stand up for yourself!

10)Be respectful, as much as possible.

11)If in person, use confident body language.

By the way, there are several, polite ways to SAY NO for those of you who think you may offend others. Here are some examples:

1)No, thank you. That’s not for me………

2)No; but I’ll be glad to get back to you about next week (if you will…….).

3)No; I’m honored but I can’t.

4)Sounds good but I’m needing some time for myself.

5)Unfortunately, now is not a good time.

6)I wish there were two of me (a nice way of saying you’re busy)

7)Sorry; I’m booked into something else.

8)Sadly, I have something else then.

9)No thanks, but it sounds lovely, so next time.

10)Thank you so much of thinking of me, but I can’t.

11)I have another commitment.

You get the idea. You can be polite, kind and yet straightforward. People tend to appreciate honesty, if not in the short term, then in the long run. And it’s healthier for you.

Like the story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears, you don’t want your boundaries to be too rigid or too porous, but just right (healthy boundaries). Just know that you can have a mix; perhaps porous with personal relationships, and rigid with work boundaries or vice versa. What’s appropriate in one context is not necessarily appropriate in another.

The goal: go for the HEALTHY boundaries!

With smiles and love,

Dr Gigi

PS: If you’re needing some help or an ally in developing your healthy boundaries, feel free to contact me @www.gigiarnaud.com or on Instagram, Facebook, LinkedIn @drgigiarnaud

Change your Mind to Change your Life!