I ask you this question because many of my clients tell me that they’re ‘people-pleasers.’ Whenever I hear something; words, phrases, expressions repeated over and over again, I know that it’s time to: STOP, LISTEN and LEARN.

So, let’s do it:

 

STOP:

I stopped and asked myself, ‘Hmmm…why are so many young (predominantly) women millennials and Gen-Xers letting me know that they’re ‘people-pleasers?’  What does it mean; what do they mean by it; and why do they mention it in a negatively self-judging way?

I still hear my dad (in my head) telling me to look in the dictionary when I don’t understand the meaning of a word or phrase. So I did just that. (I’m a baby-boomer, so there were no computers back then). Here’s the Merriam-Webster definition of people-pleaser (looked up on my laptop):

Often: a person who has an emotional need to please others often at the expense of his or her own needs or desires.

And Samantha Boardman states: Being a people pleaser isn’t all bad. It shows that you are a caring person who values social connections and enjoys making others happy.

And Meghan Fritz, says you’re often a people pleaser if you grew up in a home with a difficult, emotionally unavailable parent, you may have unconsciously picked up the pattern of people-pleasing in an attempt to engage the aloof parent.

Aha! This third statement often rings true for my clients, as well as for me.

 

The good part: it means you’re an empathic, good human………a good thing.

The less-good part: you’ve picked up an unhelpful pattern, though you were doing a nice thing and you were also just trying to survive, be taken care of, be nurtured and loved. These are normal instincts and behaviors, for survival. That’s what we want to do as a species: survive. We do this by staying safe and safe means ‘familiar’ and familiar for you may have been having an emotionally unavailable or emotionally immature parent or caregiver. So, you tried to connect, and please the parent (though this may have been unconscious), to survive.

Often, girls are taught to be ‘nurturers’ and they seem to show this people-pleasing pattern more often.

 

A paraphrased STORY:

I like to tell a story I heard quite a long time ago. I don’t recall the exact details so, here it is, paraphrased: in your 20’s, you worry and care a lot about what your peers and friends say about you. Then, in your 40’s, you’re busy with career, family………..life. You care what your colleagues, neighbors and friends do and have (keeping up with the Jones’), but it’s not quite as much of a concern what others think about you, as it was in your younger years. In your 60’s, you don’t (and excuse the language here) give a shit what others think and you know that they don’t give a shit either. You start to understand the nature of human beings, which is to think about themselves. In your 60’s, you’ve already learned and discovered (hopefully), that folks may think of you for a minute or two and what you think, but then go right back to thinking about themselves. In other words, you’ve wasted hours, even days of your life, concerned with what others think and, in the end, often you can’t even remember who those others are.

To summarize: people-pleasing is a big waste of your time and energy, time and energy that you could be using to discover the authentic you and why you’re here (purpose, passions) and what your unique definition or version of success is…………………and start living it. No matter what you do, there will be those who like you and those who don’t. As my French parents used to say, “C’est la vie----that’s life!”

 

LISTEN:

Now that you’ve stopped and determined that you’re a people-pleaser and acting in a way that’s unhelpful to you and your life, you can move on to Listening. In this situation, I mean listening to yourself, to your intuition, inner voice; your heart and gut, not just your head. You want to start listening to your own voice and not all the other ones in your head. By this, I mean all the voices of people who may have taught you and told you how to be, how to act, and how to live your life. It’s not that they’re bad or necessarily wrong; it’s just that you have to stop and listen and really hear which is your voice trying to come up from deep within you. It may be a ‘voice’ that’s been buried deep inside you since childhood or something that appears to be a dream or fantasy that may not be.

There are so many ways to learn to listen to yourself: meditation, mindfulness, visualization, therapy, coaching……..etc. See which one works for you. And remember, it doesn’t matter what you accomplish, in your career, finances, personal life or what others think of you. The bottom line is that your body, mind and spirit know when you’re at peace, content and fulfilled and when you’re not. If anxiety and/or depression, self-doubt, low self-worth, feeling unlovable, not good enough……….are part of your daily life, then there’s likely some inner conflict going on, between the life you’re living and the life your heart and soul really wants to live. Use these as signals to show you the way and perhaps, turn you around, so you start heading in YOUR right direction. No one but you can really know what that path is, though you can have mentors and friends along the way.

By our society’s standards of success, I looked successful. I was a dentist and had my own dental practice for a long time, taught dental school, become a life coach and hypnotherapist, lived abroad, spoke several languages, had traveled a lot, had a great son (so true)…………………but on the inside, I was a mess; sad, stressed and suffering: constantly anxious and worried, mixed in with some low-level depression, feeling unloved and alone in the world. I saw life as a war, which my parents had survived (WWII). Eventually, I developed a chronic illness: severe osteoarthritis and some thyroid issues too.

 

LEARN:

The conflict between who I am, why I’m here and what I do, became too big for me to bear alone. I got plenty of help: decades of therapy; coaching, hypnosis, a gazillion books, courses and seminars, etc. As I did my inner work, I identified trauma from my childhood (most of us have some). Then, I started working toward healing it and the results have been: a real shift in thinking and the way I view the world, along with much more self-compassion and self-love. I’ve turned toward doing what I love, workwise and personally. I got back to the creative me: painting, writing; I had done dancing, acting, drawing years before.

Yes; it took lots of tough work; it was an up and down, rollercoaster ride of emotions, changing beliefs and thought patterns……….and all so worth it! Healing, learning and growth, about yourself and/or others and the world, takes courage, consistency and compassion. It takes courage to make the decision to change and then, to proceed to do the work, both inner and outer. Without courage, you can’t do anything. It takes consistency; you must keep promises you make to yourself (one tiny promise or step at a time), and to learn new habits, routines and rituals. It’s vital to have compassion, mostly for yourself; this will then extend out to those you love, those around you and the world.

Learning is a fascinating process that never ends……..and never should. As a multi-passionate person, I love to learn. I feel like even if I live until 120 years, I’ll never have the time to learn and experience all that I’d like to………..and this is good; to be excited about your life, the world and life in general.

I now believe that, although I know that the world can be a crazy and dangerous place, it’s also a beautiful, exciting and captivating one! So, don’t waste your very precious time worrying or even thinking, about what others may think of you. You can stop being a people-pleaser. What do you care? If you’re living the life you were born to live………………..that’s all that matters!

Go live it!

 

With smiles and love,

Dr Gigi

 

PS: If you want or need help finding your own voice or your own version of success, book a FREE discovery session @www.gigiarnaud. Sign up for your FREE mindset exercises guide and get weekly blog posts, too. I look forward to meeting you and/or hearing about your exciting journey or ride called, your life!